Little Ensign's Room
by The Wolf's Shadow
Summary: Over the ages, people have wondered. At the stars. At that great expanse of space, the universe. And where the bathroom is. The Captain is *not* the exception.
1. Anchors Away

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

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><p>Little Ensign's Room<p>

_Chapter One: Anchors Away_

It could be said that the crew of the of a certain starship could be less than observant when they felt the need for it; after all, bliss is ignorance. Or ignorance is bliss. In this instance it didn't really matter. Ignorance is _always _ignorance.

It all started like everything always starts, with a log entry. Someone somewhere is always making a log entry.

One particular and unfortunate crew member had at the time a conflict of interests, interests being some rather interesting stomach _fluctuations_ and report that had been due the day before.

She took up residence in a restroom on one of the lower decks, dividing her attention between her two _interests_. And that's when everything happened. Well, not really, but that's when everything originally started. Or stopped. It depends how you look at it.

The close proximity of the log entry had an interesting effect on the facilities. The shade of the unfortunate crew _women's_ uniform was also... unfortunate. But the would be no sign of anything amiss for at least the next week and no one would ever be able to trace it back to her, so none of this really matters.

It really started a week and seven minutes later when Scotty went to the men's room. But Scotty didn't actually "go" because the toilet was backed up. So he went to a different and fully functional restroom, forgetting about the backed up toilet until the next day.

And _that's_ when, if not how, it really started.

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><p><em>Chapter Two: The plot thickens and we learn where exactly the Enterprise is in space...<em>


	2. Swab the Decks and Plunge the Bowls

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

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><p>Little Ensign's Room<p>

_Chapter Two: Swab the Decks and Plunge the Bowls  
><em>

It could be said that Scotty was an upstanding member of Starfleet, that he followed every regulation to the letter, and that he made a mean seven layer dip. However, all but the first one would be a lie. He could only ever get to five layers before disaster inevitably struck.

It is with the second saying that the most untruth occurs however. Because Scotty, as he liked to do in his spare time, was working on his still. Crammed into a small hideaway in a forgotten Jeffries tube, Scotty adjusted an intake valve. That was until an ensign from engineering came and interrupted him.

"Uh, Scotty, you forgot to fix the toilet in engineering." Scotty cast the ensign a discerning glance.

"I'm sorry, lad, I forgot. Yeh still gotta... ?"

"Uh, yeah. Could you, um, fix it? I don't get off my shift for another hour..." The Ensign was obviously feeling antsy, casting his eyes around the tube as if looking for a convenient tree or bush.

Scotty crawled out of the hideaway and started on the ladder towards engineering with the ensign.

"Laddie, don't worry. It'll be fixed in no time."

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><p>The ship rocked a third time and final time.<p>

Seven minutes later after having gotten back to engineering, Scotty fisted his hands and looked at the ensign guiltily. "All the gravity plungers got jettisoned. But it looks like yeh don't need the bathroom anymore either."

Without a second thought the ensign covered himself and rushed out, not caring about what Scotty was saying or that he still had thirty minutes left of his shift. Running toward his quarters the embarrassed ensign muttered to himself, self conscious from all the attention he was receiving. "_Romulans always freak me out..._"

What he would have learned if he had stuck around in engineering for a couple more minutes was that the engines were temporarily down. Temporarily meaning until they got to the next suitable planet to make repairs at. Meaning the would be going nowhere fast for the next two months.

And that they were stuck at half impulse near the Neutral Zone for the next _two_ months. If he had stayed to learn all that he probably would have wet himself a second time.

Romulans _really_ freak him out.

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><p><em>Chapter Three: Next we find out what the real problem is...<em>


	3. High and Dry

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

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><p>Little Ensign's Room<p>

_Chapter Three: High and Dry  
><em>

Most would think that the crew of the _Enterprise_ consisted of many talented and capable individuals. They would be right. They wouldn't, however, think about exactly how often these amazing individuals had to use the facilities.

Everyone at the Academy knows, if you want to succeed you have to stay hydrated. Without water you're sunk. Bad example, but it applies. Just one engineer alone will drink over over three liters a day. It stands to reason the engineer would have to use the restroom quite often. At _least_ twice.

There are over four hundred crew members on board the _Enterprise_ at any given time.

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><p>"Scotty, what's your report?"<p>

"Well, Cap'n... The restrooms on all the floor levels seem to be a bit clogged up an' we've got no way to fix 'em."

A sigh. "What do you suggest?"

"Uh, we could take it in shifts, Cap'n?"

"..."

"Cap'n?"

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><p>Most people back on Earth eat three square meals a day. On board the <em>Enterprise<em> the crew is very busy and very active. They eat like they drink.

There are over four hundred crew members on board the _Enterprise_ at any given time.

_Don't _do the math. It's nasty.

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><p>In sickbay, unknown to anyone, things just got a lot more complicated.<p>

That women who made that one, fateful log entry, is actually pregnant.

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><p>"Uh, Scotty."<p>

"Yes, Cap'n."

"I call dibs on that first shift."

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><p><em>Chapter Four: Word of their predicament reaches the newsrooms back on Earth...<em>


	4. Where No Man Has Gone Before

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

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><p>Little Ensign's Room<p>

_Chapter Four: Where No Man Has Gone Before  
><em>

Most would think that the message Uhura had sent to Starfleet about the current situation would be properly intercepted and quickly responded to.

This is fate, a log entry, and a red dress working together. And they'll be _very_ troublesome if they don't get what they want.

Correction: even _more_ troublesome.

(Since the red dress is pulling most of the weight at the moment, you can bet disappointment would be fatal.)

So most would be wrong. Dead. Wrong.

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><p>"Are you hearing what I'm hearing?"<p>

"I-I-I'm going to cry if this isn't true."

"I'm gonna get the chief."

"Hurry up, another one's coming in!"

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><p><strong>Starship Crew in the Dumps<strong>

Or more accurately, _without_ them. This morning our newsroom received several transmissions from one of our favorite news makers. Yes, you've got it, the _Enterprise_.

Apparently, during their last scuffle with a Romulan War Bird, a more unusual problem popped up for the stalwart crew. Believe it or not, over the past couple of days the toilets on the _Enterprise_ have all been breaking down.

They have absolutely no means to make repairs on them at moment and are approximately two months out from the nearest repair sight. They've had to get creative.

According to one of the later reports we received, one very desperate man was seen _outside_ the starship relieving himself. He had all the proper equipment and was off duty, but there are still serious ramifications for his actions.

Yes, I laughed the first time I heard it too. The report goes on to say that this particular crew member has been suspended from duty until such a time as proper punishment can be allotted. Which isn't until they get to the next starbase. In two months.

Starfleet takes their space very seriously so no further attempts along these lines will be made, but you have to wonder what other trouble the crew will get into. Stay tuned for more reports later in the week on how the _Enterprise _is handling its new problem. This has been a concerned writer, who really has to go now.**  
><strong>

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><p><em>Chapter Five: The shift system has a few more kinks to work out...<em>


	5. All at Sea

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

><p>Little Ensign's Room<p>

_Chapter Five: All at Sea  
><em>

Due to a series of _really_ embarrassing and unfortunate events, certain members of the crew came to the realization that only one bathroom on the entire ship was fully functional.

Just one.

This happened about two weeks into the trip to a feasible repair site.

When the crew fully realized just what their discovery meant, a full heart-ed cry rose up all over this ship in a course of just six minutes.

"Crap!"

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><p>Hailing frequencies were quickly opened. No one wanted anything to go wrong. The last time they had a run in with Romulans the result had been less than satisfactory...<p>

The face of the Romulan captain was up on the viewscreen ready to make his demands when a little beeper went off at the navigation station.

Chekov jumped up while most everyone else covered their face. Sulu, being the wonderful man that he was, simply stared in disbelief. Glaring at them all, the navigator grit out "Judge me and I weel make you all misery-able" before run-hop-and-a-skip-ing over the raised platform and into the facilities.

Immediately afterward the connection with the Romulan ship was mysteriously lost.

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><p>Two hours into an all out space-brawl with the Romulan ship Kirk suddenly stood from his seat and turned towards the small room offset the bridge.<p>

Blushing horribly, he muttered something about judging and "me either!"

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><p>Usually the doctor didn't have much to say to Rand beyond the usual everyday small talk. However, at the usual before bed line up, a common topic was found, to both parties mutual agreement.<p>

Shifting her weight so that her right knee was in front of the left, and then vice versa, Rand stood in line waiting patiently to move up one person. Her inward mantra (_just five more to go, just five more to go)_ was momentarily interrupted when she spotted a certain person run up from behind her and to the front of the line before slipping through the bathroom door.

She hmm-ed in agreement with the man in front of her who had commented to himself. "There goes Pregs again."

Rolling rapidly back and forth on the balls of his feet, McCoy commented quietly over Rands shoulder. "You ever get that feeling, ya know, that it's all her fault?"

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><p>Strangely enough, Spock was the only person on board who didn't seem to have a problem with the arrangements.<p>

In fact, he could often be found on the bridge or nearby simply watching the goings ons and occasionally muttering a quiet "fascinating".**  
><strong>

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><p><em>Chapter Six: We reach the climax and conclusion of this story...<em>

A/N: Regarding "Pregs": Everyone knows about morning sickness, right? Okay. I've heard on several occasions pregnant women bemoan the effect that six to nine extra pounds have when they're all resting on their bladders. Pregnant women have a much smaller bladder capacity because of this.

I can't believe I just wrote that. This fic _needs_ to end... Review! please...


	6. Tell It to the Marines

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

><p>Little Ensign's Room<p>

_Chapter Six: Tell It to the Marines  
><em>

Five weeks into the two month incident, the last and greatest unfortunate happening occurred.

The last toilet failed.

Wide-eyed ensigns were instructed that it didn't matter which bathroom they went to anymore. All that mattered was that they made sure to regularly deliver the buckets to the storage bay.

Buckets were easily replaced after Scotty had them programed into the replicator.

Ensign's belief in their superior officer's sanity, not so much.

"You're joking, right?"

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><p>Spock shuffled out of his quarters in the middle of the night, hoisting his bucket towards the lower decks. He'd figured out the bucketreplicator trick six minutes after the initial report to Starfleet was sent out.

He was, after all, a Vulcan. And Vulcans don't wait in line.

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><p>"Spock, what are you doing out here at this time of night?"<p>

"Doctor, I was merely-"

"Oh, dropping of the... stuff too? Here I'll come with you."

"...okay?"

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><p>Three weeks, one day, and seven minutes later, the first crew member beamed down.<p>

Three minutes and twelve seconds (and a half) later, that person was also the first lucky crew member to use a proper restroom in what was the longest stretch of time since the third world war. Needless to say, that crew member felt blessed indeed.

Scotty, when he realized he could have just replicated new plumbing implements, not so much.

Especially when it came to his attention that the report he had given to the captain had been broadcast all over the ship. For everyone to hear.

He blinked.

"Well, crap."

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><p>AN: Okay, so probably not the great climax/conclusion you were expecting. Well, to be honest, I feel a little jipped too. My muse seems to have deserted me with the start of the semester and onset of homework. Ugh, this chapter was so hard to finish... (Isn't that sad?) Anyway, going to stop complaining now. Sorry for making you all wait so long; I can't promise it'll get any better (in any respect). =/ Until next time. Adios.


End file.
